What happened to me in Laramie, Wyoming is not “a gay issue.” It’s a human rights issue.But my identity matters because it shaped how the event was perceived, dismissed, and minimized.
I grew up in Wyoming during a time when saying “that’s gay” was a daily insult and being told “you’re fine because you’re not gay-gay” was considered acceptance. I learned, early, that the more I blended in, the safer people felt around me — and the safer I was.
That’s not acceptance. That’s conditional tolerance.
So when this incident happened in my own home, and when the response I received from the system felt muted, defensive, and dismissive, it echoed something I’ve lived my whole life. The quiet pressure to make my identity smaller so others don’t have to confront their bias.
What makes this even more surreal is where it happened. Laramie is a town known globally because of Matthew Shepard’s murder. And yet, decades later, I was violated in my own living room and the man who represented my violator in court was the same defense attorney from the Matthew Shepard case. I couldn’t invent symbolism that strong if I tried.
And still, I was subtly expected to downplay my sexuality to make the courtroom more comfortable. But my identity isn’t a distraction. It’s context.
I’m not saying this happened because I’m gay.
I’m saying my being gay influenced the way it was received, interpreted, and explained away — in a state where LGBTQ+ people often learn to shrink themselves just to be treated normally.
What happened to me is about safety, accountability, and the right of any person, gay or straight, to feel secure in their own home.
But I won’t erase the truth of my lived experience to make that truth easier to digest.
My story exists within a broader American pattern that many marginalized people understand. Being told prejudice is “in the past,” while living the modern, quieter versions of it every day.
I am speaking up now because silence is what lets these patterns continue.
And I’m sharing my full story — identity included — because authenticity should never have to be negotiated for safety or justice.